A reader writes:
I’m a 40-year-old girl managing a group of 10 in a tech firm, the place a number of of the group members are 10-15 years younger than I am. How do I avoid “mom energy”?
Specifically, my worker Annie and I met in-person for the primary time final week at a workshop. In a group session, I obtained some suggestions that I’m too curt in my conversations typically. Annie and I sat down collectively in non-public and I requested her to fill me in on the small print, like how lengthy it’s been occurring (I’ve been confused the final couple months and hoped it was associated to that). I’ve been managing her for 2 years and she or he’s been on the firm for 5. This is her first job.
“Since you started,” she mentioned, “it’s like you’re my mom, always checking up on me and scolding me.”
That baffled me, as a result of if there’s something I completely don’t really feel like, it’s anybody’s mother. I don’t even really feel like I’m in a totally different era from these I handle — I don’t have youngsters myself and I definitely don’t have maternal emotions in the direction of these colleagues. Although I don’t conceal my age at work (somebody’s gotta symbolize the mature girls of tech), we don’t speak about popular culture or generational variations.
So I suppose it have to be concerning the tone.
Annie prizes flexibility in when and the place she works above all else, which is okay with me if it doesn’t have an effect on her work and I know when I can anticipate her to be working, which is the place we maintain butting heads. Looking again at our chat messages, I do see my tone getting more and more impatient as I remind her about the identical factor for the fifth time:
“Good morning! I see that you have declined the team meetings for the rest of the week, what’s up with that?”
“Good morning! Are you working? If yes, attending meetings is part of that, unless you are working on something with more priority, in which case I would expect you to say that; if not, I expect an out-of-office blocker on your calendar, so that we know when you are available.”
“Hey, we’ve talked about this more than once. If you are not actively working during normal working hours, you need to have your status set or an entry in your calendar. X is broken and Joe has been waiting for an answer from you since an hour and a half ago. That’s not acceptable.”
Is this a me drawback, a her drawback, or each? Where is the road between supervisor and mother when giving crucial suggestions?
I’m additionally fairly certain I heard one other worker, Jane, as soon as mumble “yes, mom” at one level. Those are in truth the 2 staff who push towards the foundations probably the most and this one was additionally of their very first job.
This isn’t mother power and Annie calling it that claims one thing about her inexperience, not one thing about you. Since that is her first job, I’m guessing the one “someone with power over you tells you what to do” dynamics she’s been acquainted with prior to now have been dad and mom and lecturers.
But it’s wildly inappropriate for somebody to make use of that framing at work. It’s sexist too.
And that “yes, mom” remark? Really unacceptable. It’s impolite, it’s undermining to you, and it implies the one who mentioned it doesn’t perceive the character of your function or theirs. They aren’t your child, and also you’re not mothering them. You are (I’m guessing) doing regular managerial features like assigning work, giving suggestions, and correcting errors.
There is a second situation right here, which is that if you’re turning into more and more impatient with an worker and end up writing issues like “we’ve talked about this more than once” or “that’s not acceptable,” you must transfer that dialog out of chat or e mail and have it in actual time (over the telephone or Zoom because you’re distant). Chat and e mail are high quality for minor issues, however when one thing is occurring repeatedly and/otherwise you’re on the level of frustration, you want a actual dialog about it. Judging from the messages you quoted, the issues with Annie are fairly vital ones, and it sounds such as you want a bigger-picture dialog concerning the expectations and necessities of her job, the truth that they’re not negotiable, and whether or not she’s up for assembly them or not. Using chat messages for that’s most likely contributing to her feeling nagged — as a result of by utilizing that medium, you’re downplaying the significance of what you’re saying, whereas nonetheless saying it time and again. Take it out of chat and have a severe, sit-down assembly about these points.
As a basic rule, I’d say that when you’ve addressed one thing twice in a extra informal medium like chat or e mail, it’s nonetheless occurring, and you end up about to write down it out a third time, that’s a flag to have a actual dialog. And with extra severe issues, you may want to maneuver there quicker.
None of that excuses Annie’s “mom” framing, although, and it is best to tackle that head-on. Approach it like the rest you’d coach her on that she wants to alter to succeed at work. For instance: “I appreciated our discussion last week on tone. I did want to follow up with you on one piece of what you said — the ‘mom tone.’ That’s not framing you should use at work. It’s normal for managers to assign you work, give you feedback, correct mistakes, and talk to you when you need to do something differently. That’s not about parenting you; it’s a standard part of having a manager and you should expect it in every job you have. Framing it as ‘mom energy’ undermines you — it makes you sound young and inexperienced and like you’re not using a professional frame of reference. It also plays into harmful stereotypes about women and authority. I know you wouldn’t intend it that way and probably didn’t realize how it came across, so I wanted to flag it for you. You’ll be much better served in your career by thinking ‘manager,’ not ‘parent.’”
You might add, “If there are ways we can communicate more effectively, I want to hear about those. But let’s leave the parent references out of it and stick to an employee/manager framework.”
And with that mumbled “yes, mom” remark? If you hear something like that once more, shut it down instantly. Say, “Excuse me?” or ask to talk with the particular person privately and tackle it there, however don’t simply let that go. If you do, you’re letting folks suppose it’s okay — the one who mentioned it plus anybody else who heard it — and disrespectful, sexist snark ought to not be okay in your group. (And in the event that they take that behavior to their subsequent job, they’re prone to shortly be taught how not okay it’s, so that you’re doing them a favor by shutting it down now.)
