A reader writes:
I began working for a nonprofit final 12 months. I work with our community partners a lot, and our director, “Fergus,’ likes to ask me to ask them for things with out telling me they already mentioned no. He’d let you know that he’s the sort of man who doesn’t take no for a solution. Which is ok, I suppose, however not the way in which he does it.
Two brief examples:
1. My first week, he informed me to e mail one among our partners, introduce myself, and ask them to do Favor X. I acquired again a very terse e mail with the accomplice with all the degrees of their group cc’d, saying that they had already defined a number of occasions that they can not and won’t do Favor X. When I requested Fergus about this, he mentioned he forgot asking them they usually shouldn’t have been so “rude” (his phrase) of their response.
2. Our venue for a donor occasion fell by on the final minute and a native church agreed to host it. Unknown to me, they informed Fergus that with different occasions, we had simply a few hours to arrange and clear up earlier than and after the occasion. He despatched me over there with provides two days earlier than to begin organising, which ended up with me having a very awkward dialog with the individuals there about how there was no means we might do that they usually had already defined it to him. Fergus’s response was, “Well, they should have at least let you store the stuff there since you brought it over.”
So far I’m doing a few things. First, I’m recognizing purple flags (if he asks me to contact somebody I’ve no relationship with and he does to ask them to do one thing, that’s a purple flag). I’m additionally prefacing my requests to individuals with, “Fergus asked me to ask you” — awkward, however true. And with one thing just like the second instance, I’m both asking him for extra particulars like “what time did they say they were available for me to bring stuff over?” or being proactive and emailing to say, “Fergus said I should bring some of our supplies for the event over today, is 10 am good for you?”
But I get a LOT of no’s, and indignant ones! Because they already informed HIM no, and now I’m asking once more.
I do know I want to handle this as a result of working with our partners is a huge a part of my job and I’m pissing them off. Also, his popularity is … horrible. When I say “Fergus asked me to ask…” I’ve seen individuals really roll their eyes in conferences. I don’t need to not do what he asks me to do, however he’s asking me to do things that are hurting our relationships with our partners.
Well, it’s going to get to the purpose the place nobody will probably be keen to assist your group in any respect, as a result of Fergus could have used up all their good will after which some, and folks will know that saying sure to him/your org means their boundaries will probably be trampled over. It appears like a few of them have already concluded that.
I believe you’ve acquired to deal with this on two fronts: Fergus himself, and the way in which you method the partners. You’re dealing with the accomplice piece nicely already — making it clear requests come from Fergus, and confirming particulars with them relatively than taking Fergus at his phrase when he tells you one thing is okay. Keep doing that. Also, when individuals get indignant that you’re asking them once more after they already informed Fergus no, you might be apologetic! It’s high-quality to say, “I’m so sorry, when he told me to contact you I didn’t realize you’d already spoken about it. We definitely don’t want to hassle you and I’ll relay this conversation to him.” (Obviously you possibly can’t be like “yeah, he sucks” however you possibly can agree they shouldn’t be hassled and point out you’ll convey their irritation, which is able to politely individually your self from him.)
On high of that, you also needs to discuss to Fergus himself. At a minimal, each time somebody is upset you contacted them, you must cross that on to him; don’t buffer him from it, and make it clear precisely how upset every individual is. That’s data he wants; if community partners are annoyed together with your group, that’s extremely related information that the the org wants to pay attention to. (I’m assuming Fergus himself is the pinnacle — but when he’s not, somebody above him positively wants to hear that is taking place.) You can even ask him extra clarifying questions when he assigns you one thing — like, “so I have all the context, have you had any conversations with them about this yet?”
But you also needs to strive speaking to him concerning the sample itself. For instance: “I’ve had multiple conversations recently with community partners who were upset because they felt we weren’t respecting clear boundaries they had already laid out for us — people who had told you no about something and were upset when you asked me to ask them again, or things like when Org X felt they’d made it clear we only had access to their space for a few hours. A lot of the people I’m contacting seem really fed up with us. I’m getting the sense it’s harming our reputation and they’re going to start saying no to us more often because of it.”
There’s a good probability Fergus received’t care … but it surely’s attainable that by spelling it out like this, you would possibly get him to examine a few of his worst tendencies. People who function like this appear not to understand simply how bothered individuals are by their habits (they’re dangerous at choosing up on cues or they assume individuals received’t actually thoughts after the instant dialog ends, or they only have bizarre, miscalibrated norms), and it’s attainable that you appearing as a form of interpreter — “no, they are very upset, and they are still upset even though two months have gone by” — will assist nudge him towards a completely different framework.
But it won’t. If not … nicely, then a part of your job is doing one thing that you already know is a dangerous concept. Some individuals could make their peace with that; some can’t. Generally it relies on how massive a portion of your job it’s and the way dangerous the ramifications actually are. If your entire job is to construct relationships with community partners and Fergus received’t change, you most likely want to transfer on since you’re being hamstrung in a elementary means from getting the outcomes you’ve been employed to obtain, and also you danger blowback to your individual popularity too. On the opposite hand, if it’s a smaller piece of your job and doesn’t come up a ton, you would possibly select to dwell with it and simply concentrate on injury management.
I ought to add that in some jobs you’d have the choice of simply exercising your individual judgment earlier than finishing up Fergus’s requests — and strategically ignoring those the place you possibly can let you know’re going to annoy somebody. That might be enjoying with fireplace, although; in some circumstances it may well work fantastically for all concerned, and in others it may well get you fired (or sooner or later you’ll find yourself ignoring a request that was really actually essential). Either means, it is likely to be useful to ask colleagues for recommendation on working with Fergus; you would possibly discover out individuals have helpful methods for working round him.
