A reader writes:
My first full-time workplace job was at an terrible place. I used to be there for practically three years before I used to be unceremoniously laid off, simply a week before I used to be speculated to tackle a new title and a increase. My boss, Marcy, dealt with it actually poorly. It turned out that, though she gave the impression to be in my and my division’s nook, she was most actually not. Our complete group was handled awfully with the acquisition that led to downsizing, and that’s not even entering into how overworked, underpaid, scapegoated, and albeit mistreated we have been as employees.
Fast ahead to fall 2020. On my second day of labor, I spotted Marcy works right here, albeit in a completely separate division (in a firm of about 300). I used to be startled however then realized it may not be a difficulty. At the time, I had two issues working in my favor: I used to be working solely remotely and I’ve totally reworked since Marcy final noticed me. That is to say, she knew me as a twenty-something slightly-chubby younger girl with a non-Anglo female title, and I’m now a thirty-something fats dude with an Anglo title. I current as a man and use he/him pronouns at work, although outdoors of it, I’m out as non-binary and use they/them pronouns.
This 12 months, we have been mandated to go from distant to minimal twice-weekly within the workplace. There’s in the future a week the place everybody who doesn’t have a particular exemption is speculated to be in, no matter division. Wouldn’t you recognize it, the very first week they enforced it strictly was final week, and I bumped into Marcy for the primary time since she laid me off. Apparently we’re among the many few who nonetheless masks and due to this fact eat lunch on the patio as a matter after all. I used to be writing when she got here outdoors and whereas I registered her, I didn’t say something. She was the one who engaged me in dialog for a bit. Before I left, she stated she knew my title (new/present one, for the document) and launched herself. I stated, “Nice to meet you, Marcy” as a result of I had no concept what else to do than roll with it.
This week, it occurred once more. She sat close to me although there have been different choices and stated hiya to me. I used to be studying so I stated hiya again, however I didn’t disengage from my e-book. To be honest, I genuinely want a solo, quiet lunch as a break from all my conferences and different social interactions. Still, I felt impolite as a result of she appeared to need a dialog with me. It was actually awkward.
I don’t know what to do, if something. This has been so bizarre and I don’t know the right way to deal with it. She might have recognized my title as a result of a number of individuals on the workplace know me higher than I do know them; I do intentionally put myself on the market each time and wherever I can, each as a part of my position and as a part of the overall workplace tradition. But she additionally might have put two and two collectively. It’s not like there are completely no traits, habits, or options I share with my pre-transition self. Her (re)introducing herself may be a signal that she’s keen to start out over with me.
If she hadn’t tried to interact with me a lot, I wouldn’t care. Bluntly said, I neither want nor wish to be particularly pleasant along with her. I merely don’t belief her. She was fairly sneaky and sinister as my boss. Her selections immediately harmed me and had repercussions that affected me for years.
For now, I’m going to keep away from being on the patio when it’s her lunchtime, however I can’t think about this would be the solely method I might have a run-in along with her. Do I let her know that I do know she is aware of? Drop hints and see if she takes the bait? Keep pretending like we’re brand-new colleagues? It’s bizarre and I really feel bizarre.
I can see why you’re feeling so bizarre and awkward — first, right here’s the individual from your previous who was on the middle of a actually horrible expertise at your previous job and whose habits affected you negatively for years. Second, there’s an data imbalance — you don’t know what she is aware of, so that you’re left questioning and making an attempt to determine what she is aware of, and what which means for a way you need to reply … all with out having any actual data to make use of to navigate it. That’s extremely nerve-wracking.
Here’s what I feel: possibly she acknowledges you and possibly she doesn’t, however up to now she’s not indicating that she’s regarding you as anybody apart from a new coworker she simply met and so, at a minimal, there’s sufficient believable deniability current which you could simply go along with that.
Best case situation, there’s a gap so that you can simply mannequin the connection you wish to have along with her — which is as a new coworker who doesn’t work carefully along with her or know her nicely, and who doesn’t have to. You could be politely distant and see if she respects these cues.
If she acknowledges you as somebody she knew beforehand, there’s a respectable likelihood that you simply demonstrating the phrases on which you wish to relate will end in these being the phrases on which you do relate. And if she doesn’t notice you’ve labored collectively before … nicely, that’s nonetheless true. You will simply be the politely distant new colleague.
The exception to this is if you happen to would really feel extra snug elevating it proactively. If you’d get extra peace of thoughts from saying “I’m not sure if you realize we used to work together; I was on the X team at Y Org,” you are able to do that! (And I’d lean towards that if she begins treating you extra unusually than she is now, as nicely.) Obviously that’s tied up with a bunch of points round whether or not you’re out at work or wish to be (which I’m not addressing as a fear because you didn’t increase it) but when that might make you relaxation simpler, it’s an choice.
Thank you to Kalani Keahi Adolpho and Stephen G. Krueger of the Trans Advice Column for serving to me suppose by means of my reply to this query.
