A reader writes:
The analysis division at my office has a bully and I used to be lately requested to look into workshops to handle it. Emma, my coworker and good friend, can be conscious of the problems, which have been happening for years with out motion from administration. Emma was pissed off as she had introduced the problems up earlier than to no avail. She ended up venting to her trusted good friend, Ann (HR background), in regards to the scenario. Ann has carried out distant contract work for the group, however she has by no means labored with the analysis division.
I reached out to Mark, a well-known anti-bullying facilitator in our small city, who can be Ann’s relative. When Mark met with me and my supervisor, he began by saying, “Ann told me that [Bully] is the problem in your department.” I used to be immediately uncomfortable and not sure why Mark selected to say this. Neither my supervisor nor I addressed this assertion with Mark on the time.
After the assembly, I instructed Emma what Mark mentioned and that she could wish to watch out about what she shares with Ann. Emma confronted Ann, who then talked to Mark. Mark denied to Ann that he introduced up the bully’s identify in any respect, saying I used to be the one who named them. He then got here to our workplace a number of days later to handle the scenario with me and my supervisor. Mark mentioned that I made an assumption about how he and Ann realized in regards to the bully as a result of neither of them attributed it to Emma at any time. He mentioned I broke confidentiality based mostly on that assumption and he can not belief me. He mentioned this was an act of bullying in opposition to him. He used the phrases “spreading gossip” and “backstabbing.”
I apologized for breaking confidentiality and expressed my remorse. However, I disputed that I had gossiped and backstabbed him as my intent was to warn my good friend, to not hurt him or unfold rumours. He instructed me intent doesn’t matter and to cease being defensive and as an alternative mirror on my actions to grasp the underlying emotions that induced me to behave like I did. He mentioned in his expertise it was normally emotions of powerlessness or worthlessness. I left this assembly feeling confused and ashamed.
I’ve requested one other assembly to attempt to resolve this as I might want to work with this man sooner or later. I do know I shouldn’t have damaged confidentiality, however I used to be not anticipating to be accused of bullying and backstabbing and I would love extra readability about that. My supervisor thinks Mark simply selected his phrases poorly, however I feel he believes I lashed out at him to really feel higher about myself.
An element of me nonetheless thinks possibly I’m simply attempting to justify my conduct and that there’s something I’m lacking right here. For the document, I’ve a historical past of childhood trauma (for which I’m in remedy) and battle to belief my instinct at occasions. It doesn’t assist that Mark is an skilled with a long time of expertise serving to organizations cope with office bullying so I wish to defer to his experience, however one thing in me is resisting it.
Am I justified in questioning/pushing again on the allegations of bullying, gossiping, and backstabbing and what’s one of the simplest ways to deal with the subsequent assembly with Mark?
The solely one who displayed bullying conduct on this letter was … Mark, the “bullying expert.”
Mark says you “broke confidentiality” by what, precisely? Telling Emma that the bully’s identify got here up within the assembly? That’s hardly extremely delicate info, when Emma already is aware of who the bully is and has actually vented to Ann about it.
But even when Mark thinks that’s data that shouldn’t have been shared, he ought to have simply mentioned, “I realize that your coworkers may already be privy to different aspects of this situation, but I ask that you keep the contents of these meetings private and not discuss anything we talk about here with people outside of this room.” He additionally, frankly, wanted to acknowledge why you talked about it to Emma — you had been involved that Ann and Mark had violated her expectations of confidentiality.
Instead he attacked you; relatively than simply clarifying the confidentiality expectations going ahead, he accused you of bullying him (!), back-stabbing (!), and being defensive, and made baseless assumptions that you just really feel powerless or nugatory (!). He barely is aware of you.
This is all wild conduct for any exterior consultant, but it surely’s particularly wild for somebody who’s purported to be an anti-bullying skilled. That’s extremely nuanced and trust-based work; by beginning out on the assault with so little provocation, Mark has demonstrated that he’s spectacularly unsuited to the work your division desires to rent him for. If something, he’s more likely to fire up extra drama and extra hostile emotions throughout. This isn’t the individual you wish to rent for this job.
Can you speak to your boss about it from that angle? For instance: “I’m really concerned by the way Mark handled our last meeting. He made baseless accusations and assumptions about me and, oddly, seemed to demonstrate exactly the kind of bullying behavior we’re hoping to combat. I want to be clear that this isn’t about me feeling defensive — if I’ve done something wrong, I want to hear it. But he didn’t try to learn my perspective at all and instead made bizarre accusations about me backstabbing and feeling worthless. It was the opposite of a measured or thoughtful approach, and it gave me grave concerns about the impact he’s likely to have on our team; if he handles others the way he did me, we’re likely to end up with more problems than we started with.”
But additionally, why is your boss bringing in a bullying consultant within the first place, relatively than simply shutting down the bully with the authority she has as their supervisor? She’s taking part in a important position within the mess right here — each with the bullying attending to the purpose that you just’re bringing in exterior assist, and in not firmly shutting down Mark in that assembly … and in persevering with to work with him, if she does.
