A reader writes:

I’ve labored at my present firm for six years. In that point, I befriended a coworker (Rebecca) who, to be trustworthy, appeared very lonely however was candy. We had some issues in widespread and she or he sat with me at lunch generally. We’re fully distant now, however the two of us would nonetheless often get collectively to go on purchasing journeys, ren faires, and so on.

Eventually she turned sort of pushy about wanting to be included in each outing I ever talked about. I managed to all the time let her down gently, nevertheless it began to really feel like I was the one one that ever needed to hang around together with her.

On our final outing, it was a decently lengthy drive. Rebecca took up a massive portion of the drive telling me about how she had gotten actually into this one “psychic” on Tiktok who provides paid lessons to “train your psychic abilities.” She went on and on about this, and requested if I would want messages from my mother, who died over a decade in the past. I advised her it was a candy thought, however no thanks, as a result of that’s actually not my form of factor. During this dialog, she additionally advised me about how she was taking a ton of unpaid day off of labor and have become behind on lots of her payments, a few of which had been probably going to collections. But she was nonetheless taking Tiktok psychic lessons. Being trapped in a automobile together with her, it was method too awkward for me to actually communicate my thoughts about it. Plus, I felt prefer it wasn’t actually my place.

This yr has been very tough for me with regard to loss. My grandmother, who I lived with, handed immediately. Very just lately I bought a new pet, who tragically handed in a horrible accident not even a week after I introduced him house. It was extraordinarily traumatic for me, however most individuals round me have been very caring and considerate in regular methods.

But … Rebecca. After my grandmother handed, she virtually instantly despatched me an unsolicited “message” from her, telling me how she was at peace, and so on. I was freshly grieving, so I simply advised her thanks. A number of months later, she despatched me one other “message” she’d acquired, telling me my grandmother is pleased with me and different imprecise issues. It was a random message out of nowhere after having not spoken in a whereas, so I simply thanked her once more and moved on with my day.

But then I went by way of dropping my pet. I acquired three separate messages from Rebecca, telling me, “He’s with your mom and grandma, they’re all happy and they love you.” This was lower than 24 hours after dropping him. Then, final night time, she despatched me one other message giving particulars about how my dead family members are enjoying with my dead canine, and really particular behaviors my canine is doing, like spinning round and barking, and the way my grandmother discovered it humorous. I lastly misplaced my endurance. I thanked her for considering of me and caring, however mentioned I didn’t ask for messages from the nice past and don’t want to hear any extra. She apologized but additionally form of excused her conduct, saying she “doesn’t mean to upset me more” and that “sometimes I keep getting the messages over and over until I pass them on.” For the document, she met my grandmother possibly twice, briefly, and (clearly) by no means met my mother, or my pet. And, shockingly, she by no means mentions any of my different handed family members or pets.

Is there a method I can shut her down extra assertively if she tries this once more, with out saying one thing like, “Please stop pushing your Tiktok psychic scam crap on people who don’t ask for it”? I don’t want to fully lower off my relationship together with her, although we’re not in the identical division anymore. I additionally really feel dangerous as a result of she had come to my grandmother’s service to assist me, which I appreciated it, however I additionally really feel at this level she has method overstepped some boundaries. I have a tendency to have a lot of bother implementing my boundaries with out individuals taking it actually poorly, so I’d love some sort of script for this!

What within the double-fried fuck.

This is so wildly out of line and inappropriate. If it solely been as soon as, I might see writing off as one of many sadly widespread missteps individuals make round loss of life and grieving. So many persons are a chaotic mess about what to say when somebody dies, and a few bizarre stuff comes out.

But the way in which Rebecca escalated to a number of messages, culminating within the one describing particular behaviors … it’s method over the road if you had by no means indicated you shared her beliefs or needed these kinds of studies from her.

However! For somebody who says you have got bother implementing your boundaries, you dealt with it completely. And there’s a good likelihood that by telling her clearly that you just don’t want to hear any extra “messages from the beyond,” you’ve now put a stop to it.

If she does proceed after you’ve clearly advised her to stop, she can be crossing a complete new line, and at that time you’d be on very stable floor in saying, in as pissed-off a tone as you want, “I told you very clearly to stop saying things like this to me. Do not under any circumstances bring something like this to me again.”

If you possibly can’t see your self saying that and want a barely softer model: “I thought I’d said this clearly before but in case I didn’t: I find this deeply upsetting and I don’t want to hear anything else like this.” Or: “I know you mean well, but I do not want to hear this. Please don’t say anything like that to me again.”

You’re feeling dangerous as a result of Rebecca has supported you previously, like along with your grandmother’s funeral. But if she genuinely desires to assist you, then she ought to welcome details about how to do this. If she runs roughshod over your clear statements to stop passing “messages” to you, then she’s not likely excited by supporting you — she’s simply pursuing an agenda of her personal on the expense of your emotional well-being, and also you don’t want to accommodate that out of guilt or politeness or the rest.

I’m sorry about your grandma and your pet and your yr.