A reader writes:
I’ve bought an odd scenario taking place with a male employees member on my group. I’m his boss and a girl. We are related in age (I’m a couple of years older), and he has extra expertise in particular areas of his work than I do, and I have extra experience in different areas of his job description. When he brings concepts or strategies to me about areas of our work the place he’s clearly extra educated, I all the time reply with “great idea” or “I never would have thought of that — so glad to have your expertise in this area,” and so on. However, when I make strategies about methods he might increase or develop within the areas of his duties the place I have extra experience and information, he’ll incessantly reply with one thing akin to “I have already thought of doing that exact thing in that exact way and just didn’t tell you yet.”
He doesn’t reply this manner 100% of the time. For instance, if it’s an space we’re each a bit at midnight on and dealing to determine one thing new, I don’t get the “you’re not telling me anything I hadn’t already thought of” response to strategies. It occurs principally when I’m suggesting methods to take a undertaking additional or make it extra impactful. But it’s taking place usually sufficient that I’m noticing the sample and feeling aggravated by it.
When I get the “I already thought of that” response, I can’t assist however assume he’s mendacity. While he does have good concepts, I’ve needed to have two conversations with him previously about his productiveness ranges and my want for him to take full possession of tasks (he’s in a director-level place). He tends to examine bins and simply obtain the duty whereas not, in my commentary, absolutely partaking together with his work.
When I take into consideration why he’s responding this solution to my strategies, I think about it’s one in all two issues: he’s feeling known as out for not considering by a undertaking extra absolutely earlier than bringing an thought or a request to me or he’s devaluing my experience and expertise. He’s not rejecting what I’m suggesting, simply ensuring I know he had gotten there on his personal. Maybe there’s one thing else occurring?
I know the one solution to know is to ask him, however I’m battling learn how to deal with it or if I even have to. Part of me thinks at the very least he’s taking my strategies and implementing them. Who cares if he wants to inform me it was his thought, not mine? I’m safe in my place, have the entire belief of my boss (a man), and any undervaluing my employee might do is contained. If it’s a problem with my gender, I produce other, extra necessary issues to take care of than enlightening him. But if I’m doing one thing to make him really feel that he has to make it clear he’s on the identical wavelength or there will likely be penalties, I’d prefer to cease doing that. That a part of me doesn’t need to really feel that I am stressing him out and inflicting this habits as a coping mechanism or approach he feels he must handle me.
If I do want to deal with it, how? I’ll by no means get him to confess he’s not thought of these items earlier than me or on the similar time (he 100% hasn’t), and I don’t even care. I simply need him to really feel okay with taking a suggestion and saying, “Sure, I’ll do that.”
Oh, I labored with this man! And sure, it’s actually annoying.
After all, it doesn’t actually matter if he’s thought of every suggestion you make if he hasn’t acted on it or raised it himself (or isn’t prepared to elucidate why he determined to not). And yeah, you’ll be able to normally inform when somebody is simply saying it to prop themselves up (though mockingly, it has the alternative impact of what they intend and makes them look much less succesful than in the event that they hadn’t tried to say they already had the concepts).
I do assume you’re proper to grapple with whether or not it’s one thing you really want to deal with or not. I lean towards considering it’s best to, as a result of (a) if he is reacting to one thing about the way in which you’re managing him, it’s value figuring out that (until it’s simply that you simply’re, you realize, managing him whereas being a girl) and (b) if you happen to’re proper that he’s BS’ing you, it ties into the bigger considerations you have got about his work — that he’s not approaching a director-level job with sufficient rigor and engagement.
So one possibility is to only say immediately the following time he does it: “I’ve noticed when I suggest ways to take a project further or increase its impact, you tell me you’ve already thought of those ideas. I don’t care much whose idea is whose or who thought it up first, but I want to make sure I’m not doing something that makes you feel pressured to assure me you’re already there?”
Alternately: “I’ve noticed when I suggest ways to take a project further or increase its impact, you tell me you’ve already thought of those ideas. If that’s the case, great — but I’d love to see you running with those ideas on your own then before I suggest them. What do we need in place to make that happen?”
Related to that, it could be attention-grabbing to say one of many subsequent instances it occurs, “Oh, great! Was there a reason you hadn’t tried it — do you have concerns about doing it that way?” It’s a little bit of a entice for him as a result of, assuming he hadn’t actually thought it by earlier than this second, he’s not more likely to have a nice reply. The level isn’t to entice him, although; it’s to assist him understand that claiming he had your thought first isn’t a “freebie” because you’re going to then ask a probing follow-up about it, and so there’s a draw back to that response that he won’t have thought of.
You additionally would possibly strive asking for his concepts first earlier than you supply your individual … which presumably will make it more durable for him to then reply with “already thought of it” when you do supply yours.
But I assume you’re proper to be aggravated, and in addition that your degree annoyance is calibrated appropriately — it’s not the largest deal on the planet nevertheless it’s odd, and it’s most likely a mark of Something Bigger.
