A reader writes:

I might use assist with dealing with a work friendship that’s going by some ick.

Lou is a distant employee (now overseas) whom I’ve by no means met in particular person. Shortly after he began a few years in the past, we turned shut mates even with that distance. We’ve supplied private {and professional} help to one another, particularly with our psychological well being struggles (ADHD/PTSD for him, anxiousness for me). We chat on-line steadily about private points and concerning the tasks we work on collectively.

This previous yr he has gone quiet a few instances, often when dealing with private points. By quiet, I imply he stops day by day private chats and check-ins. It impacts me as his “disappearance” is sudden and with out clarification earlier than or after. I haven’t addressed with him how this impacts me as a result of being direct is one thing I’m nonetheless engaged on and I don’t need him to really feel poorly about it if he’s struggling.

Six weeks in the past, he “disappeared” once more, solely interacting with me concerning work points. I’ve chatted to him a few instances that I’m involved and checking in and he both doesn’t reply or simply talks about one thing else with out acknowledging my publish. I alternate between attempting to be an understanding supportive friend and feeling harm and offended.

It’s clear to me that he’s not going to discuss it which is tough as we’ve got talked about the whole lot. But I additionally get typically we will get into a psychological well being area the place we simply can’t. If that’s the case, I’d recognize even one thing so simple as “I’m struggling and can’t talk right now but will try to when I feel better” — simply one thing to acknowledge that sure, one thing is up and he’ll be again when he will be.

Now to the principle difficulty. A brand new mission is ramping up and we are going to want to work collectively intently once more. I’ve determined not to preserve checking in as I’ve made it clear I’m right here if he needs to discuss and extra checking in might simply add strain and make issues worse. However, if we’d like to meet (just about) 1:1 to focus on work stuff, there will likely be an elephant within the room — no less than for me.

Normally, I might need to no less than acknowledge that there’s an elephant current (i.e., his lack of private interactions like earlier than) however I’m involved it might simply make issues worse. Yet not acknowledging it feels faux.

Any solutions on how to handle this (or even when I ought to) in our subsequent assembly? I’m prepared to go away it up to him now concerning our friendship, however nonetheless want to have the opportunity to work professionally whereas dealing with my anger and harm in remedy.

If you discuss to individuals on Lou’s facet of this — individuals who periodically “disappear” from their friendships for psychological well being causes — they’ll constantly let you know this: It’s them, not you, and the kindest factor you are able to do shouldn’t be to take it personally. When it occurs, it’s as a result of they’re struggling in a roundabout way (usually melancholy, typically one thing else). Yes, everybody on the receiving finish of it will recognize a word just like the one you need (“I’m struggling and can’t talk right now”) however one of many defining options of this sort of retreat is that individuals within the midst of it usually can’t. Sometimes that’s as a result of they’re barely staying afloat doing the issues required to preserve their jobs and feed themselves, typically it’s as a result of their melancholy is telling them nobody needs to hear from them, and typically it’s one thing else.

That doesn’t imply that you just simply want to settle for that in a friendship. It’s a present to the particular person who’s struggling in the event you can, however it’s additionally okay for you to determine it’s too troublesome on you or it’s simply not a relationship that works for you, and you may determine to distance your self. You’re allowed to do this!

But both method, I strongly suggest that you just not take it personally; don’t be offended, don’t be harm, don’t make his silence An Issue between you. I do know that’s simpler mentioned than executed, however it’s nearly actually not about you in any method. “Don’t be hurt” on this scenario means “choose to see that Lou’s behavior is a sign he’s struggling, rather than happening at you.”

Of course, that each one assumes that Lou nicely sufficient to know that’s what’s actually occurring. If this have been a totally different set of circumstances — in the event you might see him on-line being a gregarious social butterfly with everybody however you, or if he stored choosing fights with you earlier than going silent, or if it appeared like he was reacting to one thing you mentioned or did — I’d give totally different recommendation. But from the whole lot you’ve mentioned, that is about Lou’s psychological well being, not a reflection of his emotions about your friendship.

As for what meaning for the work relationship … don’t handle his going quiet. You’ve already tried to do this in a social context, and he ignored it. Trying once more as a part of the brand new mission you’re engaged on collectively could be utilizing work to power him to discuss a social scenario that he’s already indicated he doesn’t need to discuss. This is a part of the deal with work friendships — if one thing occurs within the friendship, you’ve nonetheless obtained to keep on working collectively, and you may’t carry any friendship awkwardness into the work piece of issues. He is aware of you need to discuss what occurred, since you communicated that. He’s declined. You shouldn’t use the work context to push it once more.

Does that suck? Yes! And if Lou tries to resume the friendship in some unspecified time in the future, you would possibly conclude that it’s not a dynamic you’re up for anymore. But in the meantime, assume he’s doing the very best he can with no matter’s occurring, mentally reassign him to the class of “colleague I have good will toward but not a deeper relationship with at this moment in time,” and strategy the mission by that framework.