A reader writes:

This occurred final 12 months and although I’ve moved on, I often marvel if I’m loopy so I assumed I’d ask your opinion.

I’m a Black girl who immigrated to Canada in my 30s. For my first job in Canada, I labored in a world group and interacted with a large cross-section of individuals. The atmosphere was fast-paced and the workload was actually heavy, however the folks had been principally nice and I knew I used to be valued. I left after two and a half years and was in a position to give two months’ discover.

Early in my discover interval when my leaving wasn’t extensively identified, a new VP was employed for a staff I labored carefully with in a totally different nation. I hung round after a name (as requested) to be launched to him. On the decision on the related time had been me, new VP (white male) his deputy (white feminine), and a staff lead (feminine, not visibly a particular person of coloration). Part of my job was to create sure paperwork which wanted a lot of forwards and backwards. I defined my position and jokingly stated one thing like, “I’ll be bothering you about documents soon enough!” He responded, “That’s okay, I like dark chocolate.”

I had been leaping to a different name and my rapid response was confusion and taking him actually (questioned if he wished a bribe) however I noticed that the 2 different folks had gasped and their eyes widened, so it form of slowly hit me that “hmmm, I think he said that because I’m Black.” I grew up in a majority Black nation and my radar is not all the time as tuned to among the methods microaggressions current. When it hit, I shrugged it off, to be trustworthy. I used to be swamped and it simply didn’t stick.

His deputy took nice offense. Important extra context right here is that the deputy had utilized for the VP job, didn’t get it, and felt humiliated (her phrases). Before the brand new VP even began, she’d complained that she regarded him up on LinkedIn and he wasn’t certified. I used to be sympathetic however instructed her to present him a honest probability. However, I knew she was predisposed in opposition to him from the get go.

After the decision, she messaged me saying he was so racist and he or she was sorry that occurred and he ought to lose his job. I instructed her thanks, however I hadn’t taken offense as a result of I hadn’t realized at first and even so, I assumed dropping his job could be an excessive consequence. She pushed me a number of occasions to see it from her perspective, to the purpose the place I not thought she genuinely cared about any offense to me, however that she noticed this as her method to eliminate him. She reported him, her boss and our shared grandboss spoke to me, and HR investigated. I instructed all of them I truthfully hadn’t registered it as offensive within the second however I noticed that objectively somebody may take offense and whereas I used to be glad they had been taking it critically, I used to be tremendous and didn’t want an apology, nor did I need to see him lose his job. At the tip, I used to be instructed he was spoken to however would keep on. Fine by me.

The deputy often lamented that he “got away with it” however I used to be too busy and sleep-deprived so I let it cross, wrapped up my work and left on good phrases (I assumed). A month later, I obtained a message from the deputy telling me that as a result of I wasn’t offended, the VP was retaliating in opposition to her for reporting and he or she was placed on a month-long PIP as a result of she didn’t make the VP really feel welcome, and subsequently she was getting ready to dropping her job which would go away her unable to pay her payments, so I wanted to be taught a lesson and consider different folks as a result of she was experiencing these occasions since she was the one one who did the fitting factor. It was a lengthy, terrible screed that blamed me for the whole lot going improper for her at work. I responded saying that I used to be sorry to listen to she was going through difficulties however her blame was misplaced and he or she ought to report the VP for retaliation. She responded with extra blame, stated she was glad there was no racism in Canada (what?), and that it was good that I may so simply absolve myself of all of the hurt he would go on to trigger others.

Friends stated I ought to ahead her message to the corporate HR however I didn’t need it to go any additional. (Side be aware: I nonetheless communicate to former coworkers and he or she’s nonetheless there a number of months previous the tip date of the PIP she instructed me about.) It’s a lot (and I’m leaving out a ton) however I’d love to listen to the way you assume it ought to have been dealt with.

There’s a lot happening right here!

To begin, I agree along with your coworker that the VP ought to have been fired. That’s a disgusting racist and sexualized comment, and somebody who thinks it’s okay to say that — on a name with a number of folks, no much less — and when he’s model new to the job, no much less — and to somebody he simply met, no much less — is somebody who has horrible judgment and horrible character, and it’s going to come back out in different methods. When a model new worker is saying crap like that, normally it’s higher for an employer to only minimize their losses and be completed.

That’s true regardless that it didn’t hassle you! It’s okay that you simply weren’t bothered; you’re allowed to have no matter reactions you need to issues like that, and nobody ought to be criticizing or second-guessing you for not being indignant enough. But even with you not being bothered, your employer ought to be deeply bothered that their new VP thinks that’s an okay factor to say, and they need to need to guarantee somebody like that doesn’t work for them — fully independently of how strongly you probably did or didn’t really feel about it. (After all, take into consideration all of the horribly offensive issues somebody may say at work; it wouldn’t turn into okay if the goal wasn’t that upset. As an employer, you don’t need folks making feedback like that in your office, interval.)

Now, possibly the deputy took such offense to the VP’s phrases as a result of she was already predisposed to dislike him. But it’s additionally completely believable that she took offense as a result of it was genuinely offensive. It’s additionally potential that the 2 issues fed off one another; I may think about somebody in her sneakers pondering, “They hired this unqualified guy over me, and now he’s spewing racist and sexualized BS on work calls and no one is doing anything?” Either method, it’s so cheap to be disgusted by the VP that I don’t assume the deputy’s earlier dislike of him actually issues. What he stated is unacceptable regardless of how anybody felt about him earlier than it occurred.

However, the deputy’s conduct to you crossed a line too. She ought to have accepted it while you instructed her the way you felt about it and not pushed you to really feel the way in which she thought you must. That doesn’t imply she shouldn’t have reported it, although — she ought to have (as a result of, once more, the comment was objectively a drawback for bystanders and for your organization). It’s potential that she apprehensive you felt stress to say you weren’t bothered while you actually had been; that’s a factor that occurs, and it’s one of many causes (however not the one purpose) that corporations must act on bigotry even when the goal doesn’t push them to. But she shouldn’t have hassled you about it. And she undoubtedly shouldn’t have blamed you for her boss retaliating in opposition to her later (and also you had been completely proper while you instructed her to report the retaliation) or stated you’d be accountable for future hurt he precipitated. If this man precipitated future hurt, he could be accountable for that, not you. She shouldn’t have tried to make you are feeling accountable — and mockingly, for somebody who was so involved in regards to the authentic offense, she didn’t appear involved about subjecting you to extra blowback from the incident.

So no, you’re not improper. That VP is a racist ass, however your coworker wrongly shifted the blame to you for not responding as strongly she thought you must.